Top reasons you want to squire Sarah and Erin to the wedding (there are more, but we’ll save these for conversation starters at the main event):
1. You have generic white guy names, we have generic white girl names. In fact, if you forget our names throughout the night, you can just start to name your second grade classmates and chances are, you will hit at least one of our names and/or hit on the name that one of us always wanted (I mean, why can’t every girl be named Claudia? Thanks for nothing, mom and dad.)
2. We think Ashton Kutcher is a douche canoe. (But we don’t mind him shirtless. We’re only human.) And, if there’s a Lifetime movie made about our lives we are okay with any actress portraying us, really. As long as it’s Rachel McAdams and Reese Witherspoon.
3. We already added the wedding to our iCals, so, it would kind of be an inconvenience to delete the entry at this point. As you can see, we were supposed to attend a beer festival AND something for Junior League on this day but we are willing to forego those events for true love/like. If you cannot glean from our pre-existing scheduled activities on 3/23 that we are both philanthropists AND enjoy a frosty beverage or twelve, we will prove this to you in-person.
4. We can help you keep your promise to the bride that you two will stay under control and concurrently take advantage of the loophole that does not apply to the two of us. You’re welcome in advance for the shenanigans that will ensue. If things go awry, you can always explain that you are not responsible since you “met us on the internet.” And, as with most things, you can always blame Matt Lauer. Not to mention, we feel your pain and may return the favor one day. In fact, this is an RSVP that one of us recently mailed.
5. We are from the south (went to the University of Florida) and were in a sorority. This fact supports the fact that we are are well-mannered, polite, and even if we curse like a sailor, we still sound like Scarlett O’Hara reciting a haiku. Not to mentioned we could win a gold medal at the Pretending-You’re-Interested-In-Your-Great-Aunt’s-Story-About-Her-Ten-Cats Olympics.
6. We have real jobs. Though I am sure you gentlemen have had a plethora of cheerleaders, waitresses, and models applying for these coveted spots, you can rest assured that if your grandma asks what we do for a living, our responses will not include push-up bras, baby oil, or linebacker baby daddies (we’ll save that for retirement).
7. Britney Spears and President Obama both follow Sarah on Twitter. Regardless of political beliefs, I think everyone can agree upon the integral role that “Baby One More Time” played in their adolescence. #internetcelebrity
8. No one famous (except Sarah) follows Erin on Twitter, but, she is training for a marathon. So, in the event that you forgot a cuff link at your house, she can run back there and scoop it in a jiff.
9. Our dance moves would make Gene Kelly cry, like, in a good way. Photo evidence can help to support this fact but seeing in person is believing. So, don’t stop. Believing.